So the knife thing ( im on mobile ) and i want it in red room pls thank you
she doesn’t want to do this. in the three years they’d been there it’s one of the only thoughts she remembers that’s entirely her own. she knows WHY it’s happening too – garrett had whispered it in her ear the night before between the grunts while his hand clamped over her mouth && she forced herself not to cry ( he hated it when she started crying in pain. he always said she should know better by now. )
he’d said then that they were both getting WEAK, whitehall thought they’d been looking out for each other far too much recently, they were loosing their sharp edges. then he’d told her h o w to do it – how to kill daisy– she’s still not sure what made her feel sicker when she thought about it. the pain or the thought of what she’d have to do to the girl who’s hair she once braided && sung to sleep.
she had been preparing herself since then, had refused to sleep so she could plan instead – she wouldn’t disappoint john. she would be the one walking out of there ALIVE, she wouldn’t be the one taken to the labs to become a half dead test rat. she’s not a failure like her parents thought, she won’t be one of the hopeless children with no faces && no names. she’s never been so sure of anything in her eleven years.
it changes with the knife in her hand. it’s weight heavy, it’s wicked glint blinding – it’s the manifestation of john’s burning hungry gaze && HIGH expectations. she looks at daisy && sees her own DESPERATION reflected in her dark eyes && the knife nearly falls from her grip. this is a fight to the death, this is to establish an order && weed out the weak, this is to crush the souls they had only just began to rebuild.
she no longer just doesn’t want to do it – she can’t do it. she knows that now, she knows her own weakness && it’s the girl standing across from her that’s always been somewhere between a replacement for her lost sister && her FRIEND. she can’t do it && she wants to kill something with the realization —– she doesn’t want to disappoint john either.
lips parted to speak, words on the tip of her tongue ;; they turn to a sharp cry of PAIN before she can register the change. the knife slips from her fingers, c l a t t e r s to the ground impossibly LOUD, && she gasps for air before she feels a sharp tug – the blade slides back out of her gut roughly.
her eyes flicker down to see the blood stained knife && the blood seeping from the wound to stain the uniform she’d been given just last year. blinking quickly as if it was a bad dream, like it was all her imagination, she looks back up only to meet daisy’s eyes. she can see herself in them && she’s ASHAMED of the fear she sees.
the knife plunges back into her gut && twists&& she screams – she’s shaking so hard she worries she will fall && she wonders if THIS is what betrayal felt like. red hot pain && ice cold fear && wet sticky blood between your fingers. she can only whimper when she feels it again && again but each burst of pain only provide her with acceptance. she’s going to die before she can see johns disappointment && ANGER.
she wonders WHO in this world she hates more. her parents for giving her away like she was a meaningless animal? daisy for never caring enough about her that she could do this so CALMLY? herself for being weak when john had tried to help her only for her to FAIL him? for a brief fleeting second, between weak gasps for breath && choking on the blood filling her mouth, she even considers john but she hates herself more for even giving thought to the idea he was to blame for any of this – that she should hate h i m. this is her own fault && she knows that NOW.
BLOOD falls from her lips && she whimpers in pain but she grabs daisy’s shoulder with one shaking hand && pulls her close to wrap the other around her in a poor mockery of a HUG. it’s okay because their handlers aren’t here to see this part, she can be scared before she dies. she can be weak again.
she holds onto daisy’s small body like AN ANCHOR && struggles to force her words out. she brushes her lips against daisy’s ear && finds the strength at last “it — it’s —– it’s okay. i forgive you.”
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