.
.
the mask makes her feel like she can’t breathe. it’s been like that since she first pulled it on months ago – the thin material SMOTHERS her with the weight she had put on it. the weight of countless lives, the weight of their hopes for the mission && of hill’s close watch. all in her head ( but then, everything had always ‘ all been in her head ’ . )
phil had told her the avengers knew to be careful, he had been quick to comfort her with the knowledge when she denied she even felt the nerves that kept her awake at night with their possibilities. she had always been such a screw up – maybe hill hadn’t been sure about the mission because it was HER going on it. she’s reckless, it’s what she’s known for more than being a damn good spy.
those doubts don’t matter now, not facing the avengers in a fight && hoping that she is going to walk out of this alive, complete her mission ;; show everyone she’s always been better than they thought. phil had told her more than once, when all joking was aside && they were serious with each other, that people DID respect her. she would never have gotten the opportunities to work with the people she had if they didn’t – she’d never believed him.
the desire to prove herself had always kept her going on some level – the desire to get gorgons attention proving herself as trustworthy, the desire to get respect as an agent, the desire to show she wasn’t just a joker. it pushes her deeper into the fight, makes her NUMB to the blows she takes while making her own just that bit more FORCEFUL.
the world stops. faces had become blurred but it switches all at once, everything is clear && she can see EVERY line && imperfection in the face in front of her. a face she recognizes even if he doesn’t her – hardly his fault. she’s the one who’s face is completely hidden from view. a pathetic whine leaves her lips when the arrows pulled out ROUGHLY && her tongue darts out to wet her dry lips “clint?”
she’s known this pain before but then it was different – before it was an accident. her own fault, messing around thinking she was perfectly fine only to end up with an arrow just above her hip. that pain seems so mild compared to this && she KNOWS before she even looks she won’t get out of this. she’s going to die here, undercover, because she was too fucking stupid to think about the risks she was taking.
it’s easier to breathe somehow, even with the blood pooling in her mouth, && she realizes the masks off. it’s GONE && it’s taken the weight of all her fear && responsibilities with it. she wonders how annoyed phil will be, how angry director hill will get over how sour the missions gone. she doesn’t have to worry about that now. she frowns up at clint’s startlingly close face instead.
“&& you never even got me that drink” she grins && it’s bloody && weak but she thinks he might smile too. it throws her back to the few missions they’d done together years ago – before phil became her regular partner on missions && she cared so much. it had been FUN ;; working with an avenger who actually laughed at her jokes from time to time. not everything had been life or death back then. && she remembers NEVER saying goodbye because she’d never been good at leaving friends && it was so much easier to pretend she’d see him the next day instead of getting a flight to moscow.
her hands finds his, grabbing almost desperately, she squeezes TIGHTLY despite how slippery her hands are with blood. she isn’t ready to die. that’s not why she wanted to do this mission, that’s NOT why she joined shield, it’s n o t why she was there. she isn’t ready.
she wasn’t ready.
;; stabby stab stab save me from the dark, selectively accepting, @ofarcheriisms
tag dump for 616 verses pls ignore
